Mote and Beam

                I can 100% relate to the mote and beam parable. I am REALLY good at finding the mote in someone else’s eye while there is a HUGE beam in my own. I don’t consciously look for others’ faults, I can just find them. It’s an amazing talent. But what about my own faults?

                Over the course of my marriage, I have been able to point out my husband’s faults with accuracy. It never fails. He is always wrong and I am always right. He is the bad guy and I am the good.  (If you believe that then I have some great land in the middle of the Okeefeenokee I can sell you.)

                Let me display a bit of humility (with all sincerity). Elder Joe J. Christensen related a story which he called the Grapefruit Syndrome.

                “As a newlywed, Sister Lola Walters read in a magazine that in order to strengthen a marriage a couple should have regular, candid sharing sessions in which they would list any mannerisms they found annoying. She wrote: ‘We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off…I told him I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. 

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He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew age grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange! After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me…He said, ‘Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’ Gasp. I quickly turned my back because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face…’” (Joe J. Christensen quoted in Goddard H.W.,  Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, p.76-77).

                I had heard this story prior to our marriage. It has helped me some from cataloging my husband’s faults, but not always. As I have progressed through this class, I hopefully have gained a bit of humility and realized that all those catalogued faults need to be uncatalogued. One of the exercises that Dr. Gottman recommends is to write down 5 days a week for 7 weeks a guided positive memory about your spouse. I will admit some of these have been difficult for me to do. It has caused me though to reflect on the good my husband has done (and tried to do) which I may have ignored or belittled. I’m ashamed to say that I have not always given my husband his due. Somehow, throughout the years, my husband has managed to remain more positive and not strike back at me.

                This may sound like I’m taking the blame for all the bad in our marriage. I’m not. I’m taking responsibility for what I can change to make our marriage better. In the few short weeks, I have been taking this class, I have been able to see improvements in our marriage – just by what I have been able to change in myself.

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When we look through the glass of change (repentance), the world seems brighter.

Crossroads

My husband and I are at a crossroads. 

(Does your crossroads look like this?)

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 We stared down the crossroad fully this week. There have been many events that have led to this crossroads, but this week was the culmination. We put our youngest child on an airplane

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to begin her 18-month mission for the Lord. We are now officially “empty-nesters.” The week before our oldest daughter left the nest. Last September our middle daughter left the nest. Our son and his wife had moved to the western United States about two years ago. In December, my husband’s employment was terminated. We are now sitting in a very big house in the suburbs of Atlanta, without children, without outside employment (I work from home and attend online classes) having to be together. What are we going to do?

I encouraged my children to develop a separate relationship with their dad. They have “things” they do with dad of which I’m not part of it. (I home schooled them their entire lives – that was “our thing”.) Last Saturday, our youngest and her dad went caving. I DON’T do caving! But, as I realized that soon, I would have to “fill in” for my children, I did sit through two Harry Potter movies with them (that’s more a kid thing than a dad thing – I DON’T do Harry Potter either). We did go for a walk with our youngest, not really a hike, but at least we were outside together. We all like Chinese food so we had that one last time together. We crammed a lot into Saturday before she left. I don’t really know if it was a “test” or it was natural. He has gone camping, built Lego, done sports, and has an ongoing pun contest with them.

Now, I need to fill in for my children. This will mean sitting through fandom movies (hey, I made it through Lego Movie 2 – we’ll try Captain Marvel and whatever the next Avenger movie is). I will do hiking (though I doubt I’ll ever get – willingly, at least – into the bowels of the earth) and if that hiking includes camping, I have a sleeping bag and tent. We all ready grocery shop together quite a bit. I’ve tried to actively listen as he has talked about the jobs he has applied for. (I have worked in the same industry as my husband and can follow a sterility assurance plan from almost start to finish.) If he takes up running again (well, none of the children really got into that), I may give it a shot. And I will appropriately groan through the puns (though I’m not sure if I know how to be the “straight man” in the pun world).

With him being home, he has tried to help “around the house”. I’m not very good at letting him. I do appreciate it though when he does the dishes, even though I feel a little bit guilty that he did them and I didn’t. I did offer to help with the yard work but he turned me down (thankfully). I love paper engineering and even though he doesn’t “get it”, he does try to buy me pop up cards and books (that was one of the Lego sets – it is so cool!).

These are the little things that help us turn towards each other, to strengthen our relationship. We may neither really like to do the "little thing" but as Alma, a prophet quoted in The Book of Mormon, "Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise" (Alma 37:6).

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As we left the airport that day, we walked out hand in hand. We will be taking the next road together.

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POSTSCRIPT: One of my classmates who reviewed this post noted that I could be more optimistic. He is right. I’ve reread this post and don’t know how to change it. Please know that I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing or being a hypocrite in making changes. I want to make these changes. I'm actually excited about the possibilities. I want to feel closer to my husband. This is what I want. I’m not being forced to change. What should be noted is that I used my children to keep me from doing certain things with my husband. It was easier. I thought I was letting them build that relationship with their dad and they did. But I probably should have participated more. And it will take little steps with full purpose of heart.

Inspiration in Marriage

All my life, I’ve been taught that marriage is sacred. Marriage begins in the temple of the Lord to sealed for eternity. Yet, how does one live with one person for eternity? Sure, one can DO what we are counseled to do but does that really help us understand the inbetween of a telestial relationship to the heights of a celestial relationship?

My husband and I began our marriage in the Portland temple,

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sealed for time and all eternity. We attend church weekly. We have had four wonderful children together. We have date night almost weekly. We attend the temple. We pay our tithing. We have family prayer and family scripture reading and family home evening. We serve in the Church. We DO all that we have been instructed to do within the Church to have an eternal marriage. But, I don’t feel like it’s enough. We have a certain disconnect – it’s not bad, but it’s not good either. I wonder where we have gone wrong.

Enter FAML300 – Marriage (and a host of books and articles on marriage). As I mentioned last week, I’ve read a lot. Some suggestions have worked and some haven’t. Why? I don’t really know. My husband and I are two very different people and what may sound great to me might not sound great to him. I think though as Brother Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, states “Applying these principles to marriage requires inspiration.”

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I have felt inspired in some of the choices I have made in improving my marriage, but I don’t think I purposely sought inspiration. As I go through the course this semester, I will seek inspiration from the suggestions received from the material presented. Thus, not EVERY suggestion will work for us. I need to prayerfully consider each suggestion – as instructed in Doctrine & Covenants 9:7-9 – I need to ponder, make a decision, then pray to know if it is right. My marriage is as important to me as it is to the Lord and He will guide my path.

Stay tuned over the next few weeks to learn more about the many suggestions I will be given in this class. I will report on how they work out for us. As I mentioned last week, I’m optimistic that each author has much to offer in my marriage improvement repertoire.

Stonewalling - No response

One of the reasons I took FAML300 – Marriage is to improve my own marriage and hopefully mentor my own children in their marriages. I have read several books and lots of Ensign articles on marriage. For some reason though, improving my marriage has alluded me. (Caveat: I don’t usually “confess sins” in public as that is what a bishop or priest is for but in these posts, I will “confess sins” as they relate to my growth in my marriage.) This week I began reading The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. for class. Something in this book “clicked” with me. I can actually “see” where I have done things to damage my marriage relationship. I can also “see” where I have done things right in my marriage relationship.

My husband is a good and righteous man. He’s not perfect. He is good to the core. He isn’t malicious (unless he is behind the wheel of a car for some reason). He is punny (NOT funny). I don’t think he knows how to raise his voice (unless someone is making a bad shot in basketball or on the golf green). He does have mannerisms that irritate me (hmmm, who’s fault might that be?). Just because he does things that irritate me does not give me license to be mean and I have been.

In Gottman’s book, he addresses, what he calls The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, an 1887 painting by Viktor Vasnetsov.

I happen to be familiar with all of these horsemen. Some I have used maliciously, but some I have used out of habit – a learned response, a defense mechanism. Thus, it wasn’t intentional just reflex. (Upon present reflection, I’m not sure where this learned response/reflex came from – but something to consider.) Reflex isn’t a good reason nor is learned response, but they are reasons and can be overcome with practice of better habits. My husband mostly uses stonewalling and after reading this far into the book, I understand why. Stonewalling is when a partner just doesn’t respond to the other – no voice, no body language (aka eye-rolling, folded arms) - nothing.

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It is more commonly used by men than women. It is a defense mechanism because my husband needs time to process what I’m throwing at him. The stonewalling really does irritate me. I want a response and I want it now. Since, I have only learned about stonewalling, I haven’t had much practice backing off and letting him process, but I have complete faith that it will help our relationship. (If I can learn my part of patience….) I need to work on eliminating all of these negative horsemen from our relationship, but I can begin with the stonewalling and what causes it.

                Why do I care to improve my marriage? I don’t want either one of us miserable for eternity. We are in this for eternity and I do love my husband. The only person I can change in this relationship is myself. I truly believe that if I improve my responses, then my husband will have opportunities to improve his. I want to be his best friend and I want him to be mine. That takes some work. I’m putting my shoulder to the wheel…       

                Why would you want to improve your marriage?

Marriage – an eternal perspective

I was fortunate enough to begin my marriage in the right place, the temple of the Lord. In the temple, we made sacred covenants with our spouse and with God. Elder David A. Bednar likens this covenant to a triangle (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan," Ensign, June 2006). Each spouse is a leg of the triangle and the Lord is the apex. As each spouse becomes closer to the Lord they will naturally be brought closer to each other.

Sometimes, my triangle leg is closer to the Lord and sometimes my husband’s is. We are both working to become closer to HIM.

What about those marriages which fall apart even if they begin in the temple? Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his address “Covenant Marriage” outlines three wolves of marriage: natural adversity, imperfections, and excessive individualism. (Ensign, November 1996)  I’d like to share how one couple has overcome the wolf of natural adversity.  My son and daughter-in-law prepared last year to have a baby boy. Midterm, they were informed that this baby would be born with heart problems. We prayed and fasted for this little boy. Little Matthew (Logan “Because Wolverine was not appropriate”) returned to his Heavenly Father’s presence 6 hours after he was born. During those 6 hours, I observed some of the most beautiful and loving consideration of another human being I have ever witnessed.

Though my daughter-in-law had just had major surgery and was holding her dying little boy, she reached out to my son and loved him. And though my son was mourning over the loss of dreams with his little boy, he reached to his wife and loved her. A while later, someone suggested that since they didn’t have a child that they should get divorced. They are still married, buoying each other up, as they come to terms with the loss of their mortal dreams with their son. They are steadfast on the path of eternal marriage. They are looking this wolf in the eye and choosing to honor the covenant they have made to God and each other.

There is more to marriage than getting married in the right place. One must continue working at the marriage and be aware when these wolves are trying to sneak in. One must continue to become closer to the Lord and be aware of one’s spouse’s journey as well. These two pieces to the marriage puzzle will definitely help keep the marriage whole.

Same Sex Marriage - You Be the Judge

I had never read the opinions by the Supreme court judges put forward in regards to the Obergefell v Hodges case which allowed for same-sex marriage to be recognized in all states of the Union.  It’s difficult to read through the law jargon but I think I understand what most of them were saying.

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                What I found interesting was how the dissenting judges took their fellow judges to task for making a political rather than a judicial statement on marriage. The majority judges make a political statement rather than looking at the Constitution and judging on the case. As Judge Roberts stated, “Supporters of same-sex marriage have achieved considerable success persuading their fellow citizens—through the democratic process—to adopt their view. That ends today. Five lawyers have closed the debate and enacted their own vision of marriage as a matter of constitutional law.  Stealing this issue from the people will for many cast a cloud over same-sex marriage, making a dramatic social change that much more difficult to accept.” These are pretty harsh words.

                He goes on to state that marriage has not had to be defined as “For all those millennia, across all those civilizations, ‘marriage’ referred to only one relationship: the union of a man and a woman.” I did a little research and found something on the Romans view of marriage just out of curiosity. Romans did not even sanction same-sex marriage though they, mainly men, were prone to having same-sex relationships.

                Though the Supreme Court (with a majority, not unanimous) has ruled that the definition of marriage is changed (as well as several other countries throughout the world) that does not really change the definition of marriage.  

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As President Nelson stated in his address at BYU in 2014, “Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge! For each of us, Judgment Day will be held in God’s own way and time. We cannot yield.” He continued with “Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.” My favorite quote from his address though is “If they love Him, they will show that love by keeping His commandments,…”

                What does that last quote have to do with same-sex marriage? As we draw on our relationship with God, we want to naturally show our love for Him. He stated in the New Testament, “If you love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15). I cannot find that God has changed the definition of marriage in the scriptures. In fact, in 1995, the prophet of God issued a proclamation which states, “We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God.” Whether, you believe in modern-day prophets or not, God has not changed His standard on marriage. If we love Him, then we will keep the commandment that marriage is between a man and a woman, not between two people of the same sex.

                Perhaps you don’t believe in God and thus the above commandment may not seem to apply to you. I would like to share what Judge Roberts wrote:  the rulings [Loving v Virginia, Zablocki v Redhail, Turner v Safley] as stated by the majority “did not; however, work any transformation in the core structure of marriage as a union between a man and a woman.” These rulings still conformed to the traditional definition of marriage between a man and a woman. He also states in regards to the arguments by the majority of the Due Process Clause, “Our precedents have accordingly insisted that judges ‘exercise the utmost care’ in identifying implied fundamental rights’ es the liberty protected by the Due Process Clause be subtly transformed into policy preferences of the Members of this Court.”

                I believe God instituted the law of marriage between a man and a woman. I know He has not revoked that law or changed it in any way. I also know that nine Supreme Court justices sit on a   

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bench and determine the interpretation of the Constitution. I believe those who are rejoicing on this ruling and those who are not, need to carefully review how this law was put into place. This is about the constitutionality of a law. The laws of this nation are to be determined by legislation or by vote per the U.S. Constitution not by nine judges who do not have to answer to the people of this nation. I do not want such of my constitutional rights taken from me.  Do you?

Divorce - what should be done?

DIVORCE.  What a difficult topic to begin a series of blogposts on marriage.

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Personally, I have never experienced this heart wrenching event.  I have had family members who have though. I have had friends who have experienced divorce. It is difficult.  Marriage is difficult. 

I was raised in a two-parent, biological parent home.  My grandparents on both sides for generations back have not been divorced. I remember growing up that it seemed so sad when I found out that classmates were from divorced homes.  I marveled at how they were able to live in such a situation.  My close friends though were not from divorced homes.  I don’t think I purposely shunned those who were from divorced homes, we just didn’t have other things in common.  Since reading Paul Amato’s article entitled “The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation” though I have received a bit of understanding perhaps why.  Not only were our family lives dissimilar but they had less chance of succeeding in school (which I was prone to do) and be involved in activities (church, lessons) in which I was involved. 

This distance from non-divorced changed dramatically when I went to college.  I attended a church-sponsored school and ALL of my roommates came from divorced homes.  These young women became my best friends while attending school that year.  We did everything together (well, almost).  I learned from them that when parents are actively involved in their children’s lives they can succeed at so many of the same things I did.  We would talk into the early morning hours about marriage.  I learned a lot about marriage during those discussions.  Thankfully, they came from families where the custodial parent tried hard to keep them central in their lives.  There was some acrimony towards the non-custodial parent but it was minimal.  The custodial parent seemed to try hard not to dwell on the bad (though it was difficult at times). They seemed primed to break the trend their parents had set.  I have since lost contact with most of them, but those who I have kept contact with are in stable marriages.

How did they escape the trend? I know it’s through taking the advice of leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ about marriage.  They married the right person, at the right time, in the right place to begin with.

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As most “courtships” at Church sponsored schools are a whirlwind affair, we all prayed together to help them know if the relationship was the best for them.  There were break ups (and college heart aches) during those college years as they learned that some relationships were not the right one for them.. Just marrying in the temple though, does not guarantee a happy, eternal marriage.  Being married in the Temple of the Lord is just the beginning.  After that comes the difficult work. 

It was interesting to me that the two secular articles I read had ambiguous solutions to the fixing the deterioration of marriage. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, though, in 2007 gave some solid solutions to “fixing” a marriage in trouble. First, was to overcome selfishness – consider the impact that divorce will have on your children.  He also addressed that counseling with one’s bishop, repentance, reformation, forgiveness, and prayer will help to bring a couple back together. These may seem like simplistic solutions to a complex problem, but wouldn’t it be worth it to try? Of course, he did not advocate staying in an abusive marriage.

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I’d like to end with this quote from Elder Oaks:  “Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing.  If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect life, we seek healing again and again.  The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.”

How do you think marriages can be saved from divorce?