Stonewalling - No response

One of the reasons I took FAML300 – Marriage is to improve my own marriage and hopefully mentor my own children in their marriages. I have read several books and lots of Ensign articles on marriage. For some reason though, improving my marriage has alluded me. (Caveat: I don’t usually “confess sins” in public as that is what a bishop or priest is for but in these posts, I will “confess sins” as they relate to my growth in my marriage.) This week I began reading The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. for class. Something in this book “clicked” with me. I can actually “see” where I have done things to damage my marriage relationship. I can also “see” where I have done things right in my marriage relationship.

My husband is a good and righteous man. He’s not perfect. He is good to the core. He isn’t malicious (unless he is behind the wheel of a car for some reason). He is punny (NOT funny). I don’t think he knows how to raise his voice (unless someone is making a bad shot in basketball or on the golf green). He does have mannerisms that irritate me (hmmm, who’s fault might that be?). Just because he does things that irritate me does not give me license to be mean and I have been.

In Gottman’s book, he addresses, what he calls The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, an 1887 painting by Viktor Vasnetsov.

I happen to be familiar with all of these horsemen. Some I have used maliciously, but some I have used out of habit – a learned response, a defense mechanism. Thus, it wasn’t intentional just reflex. (Upon present reflection, I’m not sure where this learned response/reflex came from – but something to consider.) Reflex isn’t a good reason nor is learned response, but they are reasons and can be overcome with practice of better habits. My husband mostly uses stonewalling and after reading this far into the book, I understand why. Stonewalling is when a partner just doesn’t respond to the other – no voice, no body language (aka eye-rolling, folded arms) - nothing.

Photo by Yegor Chuperka on Unsplash

It is more commonly used by men than women. It is a defense mechanism because my husband needs time to process what I’m throwing at him. The stonewalling really does irritate me. I want a response and I want it now. Since, I have only learned about stonewalling, I haven’t had much practice backing off and letting him process, but I have complete faith that it will help our relationship. (If I can learn my part of patience….) I need to work on eliminating all of these negative horsemen from our relationship, but I can begin with the stonewalling and what causes it.

                Why do I care to improve my marriage? I don’t want either one of us miserable for eternity. We are in this for eternity and I do love my husband. The only person I can change in this relationship is myself. I truly believe that if I improve my responses, then my husband will have opportunities to improve his. I want to be his best friend and I want him to be mine. That takes some work. I’m putting my shoulder to the wheel…       

                Why would you want to improve your marriage?