DIVORCE. What a difficult topic to begin a series of
blogposts on marriage.
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Personally, I have never experienced this heart wrenching
event. I have had family members who have though. I have had friends who
have experienced divorce. It is difficult. Marriage is difficult.
I was raised in a two-parent, biological parent home. My
grandparents on both sides for generations back have not been divorced. I
remember growing up that it seemed so sad when I found out that classmates were
from divorced homes. I marveled at how they were able to live in such a
situation. My close friends though were not from divorced homes. I
don’t think I purposely shunned those who were from divorced homes, we just
didn’t have other things in common. Since reading Paul Amato’s article
entitled “The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and
Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation” though I have received a bit of
understanding perhaps why. Not only were our family lives dissimilar but
they had less chance of succeeding in school (which I was prone to do) and be
involved in activities (church, lessons) in which I was involved.
This distance from non-divorced changed dramatically when I went
to college. I attended a church-sponsored school and ALL of my roommates
came from divorced homes. These young women became my best friends while
attending school that year. We did everything together (well,
almost). I learned from them that when parents are actively involved in
their children’s lives they can succeed at so many of the same things I
did. We would talk into the early morning hours about marriage. I
learned a lot about marriage during those discussions. Thankfully, they
came from families where the custodial parent tried hard to keep them central
in their lives. There was some acrimony towards the non-custodial parent
but it was minimal. The custodial parent seemed to try hard not to dwell
on the bad (though it was difficult at times). They seemed primed to break the
trend their parents had set. I have since lost contact with most of them,
but those who I have kept contact with are in stable marriages.
How did they escape the trend? I know it’s through taking the
advice of leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ about marriage. They
married the right person, at the right time, in the right place to begin with.
As most “courtships” at Church sponsored schools are a whirlwind affair, we all
prayed together to help them know if the relationship was the best for
them. There were break ups (and college heart aches) during those college
years as they learned that some relationships were not the right one for them..
Just marrying in the temple though, does not guarantee a happy, eternal
marriage. Being married in the Temple of the Lord is just the
beginning. After that comes the difficult work.
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It was interesting to me that the two secular articles I read
had ambiguous solutions to the fixing the deterioration of marriage. Elder
Dallin H. Oaks, though, in 2007 gave some solid solutions to “fixing” a
marriage in trouble. First, was to overcome selfishness – consider the impact
that divorce will have on your children. He also addressed that
counseling with one’s bishop, repentance, reformation, forgiveness, and prayer
will help to bring a couple back together. These may seem like simplistic
solutions to a complex problem, but wouldn’t it be worth it to try? Of course,
he did not advocate staying in an abusive marriage.
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I’d like to
end with this quote from Elder Oaks: “Under the law of the Lord, a
marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies
are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect
life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our
marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.”
How do you think marriages can be saved from divorce?
