Sexual Intimacy

Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

I wish I would have had  guidance about sexual intimacy growing up. My parents were (are) affectionate in public, but the only guidance I had on sexual intimacy from them was the night before I got married, “Do you have any questions?” I don’t think that prepared me for my wedding night.

The only instruction I had received from my church classes growing up was “Don’t do it!” Well, how are children suppose to get here if we don’t “do it?”  I’m sure like most of my peers, I sought information about sexual intimacy from other sources. Some were not the most best of sources and left me feeling that sex could not be about "that".  One was a family class I took at Oregon State University. One “memorable” lecture was a speaker playing with a condom the entire session. Ugh!

So how should sexual intimacy be addressed to the youth of the Church or the youth anywhere?

First, sexual intimacy should wait until marriage. This includes modesty of dress and manners. This includes dating standards. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, For the Strength of Youth states, “You should not date until you are at least 16 years old. When you begin dating, go with one or more additional couples. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, For the Strength of Youth, 2011, pp. 4).

Second, as taught by President Hugh B. Brown, sexual intimacy is not something to be ashamed of,

Ehecatl1138

“President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” (Hugh B. Brown, You and Your Marriage, 1960, pp. 73, 76.)

Third, where does one get this information that will elevate rather than tear down the sanctity of sexual intimacy?  Hopefully parents would be the first source of this type of intimate information, but I can tell you have failed my children as my parents failed me. Perhaps, the youth don’t even know what questions to ask.  Sean Brotherson lists some excellent questions to begin with:

ryanlerch

“How is your body designed to respond to sexual arousal? How do men and women differ in how they express their desires sexually? What is the best way to approach your companion if you are interested in intimacy? Is satisfaction reached the same way for both men and women? How often should a couple be together? What is appropriate or not appropriate in terms of sexual expression?” (Sean Brotherson, Meridian Magazine, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”, 2003, www.meridianmagazine.com). 

He also lists in this article several books he recommends.  I have not read these books, but they are definitely on my reading list now.  I don’t want to leave my unmarried children as clueless as I was (and may still be). I also want to help the youth that I come in contact with have a healthy and wondrous insight into sexual intimacy.

Obviously, there is more to be said on sexual intimacy, but the conversation needs to start. These are good steps to begin the conversation with our youth. Help them understand that marriage is important and that sexual intimacy is part of that. Yes, sex is natural, but it should be treated with reverence, not the hush-hush that happened to me nor the lewdness of the world.