This will NOT contain the specifics of a confessional – to
protect the innocent.
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| Photo by Chinmoy Sharma on Unsplash |
I have experienced gridlock in my marriage. According to Gottman, gridlock is having the
same argument over and over without getting to a resolution because neither of
you can address the issue with understanding or repairs thus the issue
escalates and polarizes and the compromise seems impossible because neither
wants to give up something important to them (Gottman, J.M., The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p.237).
My
husband and I are in the middle of a gridlock. Until I read this chapter, I did
not think it would be possible to overcome it. Now, I’m cautiously optimistic
that we can. Gottman outlines four
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| Photo by Jenny Marvin on Unsplash |
I must realize that this will not solve the problem, but it can bring understanding and hopefully compromise to our gridlock issue over a matter of time.
The
first step to overcoming gridlock is Explore the Dream(s). The dream is the
cause of the gridlock and has its own steps to master. Perhaps, you dream of
having family dinners and your spouse can’t stand family dinners. (Remember
keep them as “I” statements – no attacking your partner.) Identify this dream
and write it down. Then write down the story behind this dream. You have fond
memories of family dinners and your spouse remembers family dinners as the
fight that never stopped. After you’ve taken the time to identify and record
the dream, you each take fifteen minutes to talk about the dream and the other
listens – NO INTERRUPTIONS! Try not to pass judgment. Next you honor your
spouse’s dream – express understanding and a desire to learn about the dream,
and/or actively enable the dream, and/or be part of your spouse’s dream.
The
second step to overcoming gridlock is Soothe your spouse. This means to soothe
the flooding that might occur during the talking part. Perhaps remembering
about those fighting matches that poised as family dinners get your spouse
riled up. Take time to calm down before proceeding. Neither one of you want to
be anxious (or have any other negative emotion) as you search for a resolution.
The
third step to overcoming gridlock is Reach a Temporary Compromise. This is the
time to find common ground. What part of the dream do you have in common? Family
is important to both of you. This is the time to determine what is
non-negotiable (not EVERY WEEK) and where you might be flexible (would once a
month work?).
I think
the last step is my favorite to overcoming gridlock – say “thank you.” Express
appreciation to your spouse for taking the time to talk with you and begin
working on a resolution. I have personally seen this work miracles in my life.
(I think this could be used during all the other steps of overcoming gridlock –
“Thank you for sharing your story. I didn’t know. It helps me understand
better.” “Thank you for taking time to help me calm down while we were talking
about this.” “Thank you for understanding my values/insights/point-of-view.”)
I am
guilty of crushing some of my husband’s dreams. It wasn’t intentional. But, I
know
I’ve done some damage that needs repair. (That’s not the gridlock.) I’m
hoping he’ll let me do a do-over with his dreams. At least, allow me to listen
and support him however I can.
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| Photo by James Pond on Unsplash |
And with our gridlock, I’ll report back whether these steps
worked for us or not.
