Brother Goddard states “The problem with equity is in the inevitable
scorekeeping that accompanies efforts towards it” (Goddard H.W., Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009,
pg. 107). Ouch! Keeping score leads to all sorts of problems –
and I believe most of them are negative.
For instance, if a couple keeps score of who is doing the most
housework, someone is going to lose. Think about a sports game. The score at the
end of the game means someone lost. The purpose of keeping score is to see who
is better. In a marriage, I don’t think there can be a winner or a loser. Both members
of the couple end up being losers. Both will end up feeling hurt, as one will
resent that he/she did more work and the other will bear the brunt of the
accusations (or the scorekeeping).
So, if you want an equitable marriage how do you achieve it
without scorekeeping? This is one of the
brilliant principles of The Family: A
Proclamation to the World (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
[1995 September]. Retrieved from www.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.):
“By divine
design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness
and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their
families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.
In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one
another as equal partners.” The Proclamation outlines each partner’s individual
primary responsibility. For instance, my husband makes WAY more money than I
do. That is his responsibility by “divine design.” For most of our married
life, I have been primarily responsible for the nurturing of our children. I
have helped with the family finances throughout our marriage. He has helped
with the nurturing of our children. I don’t draw up a balance sheet with his
salary and match it up against what my nurturing services might cost our family
(nor does he).
Does this mean that I don’t keep score? Hardly. Remember
last week when I spoke about the mote and beam parable? That’s how I keep score
though I am trying to stop. (Yoda: “Do or do not. There is no try.” Yeah, yeah,
yeah.) Honestly, though, I realized I wasn’t happy when I was keeping score. I am
making an effort to turn my judging around and turn it back on myself. What is causing
me to judge (or keep score) with my husband? Is there something I’m lacking and
it’s “easier” to pick on him rather than “fix” me? Once again, he’s not perfect
but he’s not horrible either. The only way I can make this marriage better is by
making a better me.
I want us both to be winners in our marriage. That is the Savior’s
way. There is no way we could “pay” Him back for the blessing of His Atonement.
He asks us to be the best we can be – by serving each other. He’s not keeping
score. He is helping us to be winners. So instead of nagging my husband about
doing the dishes (which I don’t think I ever have – kudos to me), I could ask
if he would help me do the dishes or realize he might have had a difficult day
at work and just do them. Either way, we both win! (Actually, if you’re keeping
score, I think I would be the winner – as long as I have a great attitude about
doing the dishes – I will be happy in my service and my husband will be the blob
on the couch. Just kidding!)
