Family Councils

I have always had some participation in family councils. They may not have been perfect as described by Elder Rulon G. Craven (quoted in Ballard, M.R., 1997, Counseling with Our Counsels, p. 46-49), but they were councils. My parents would hold family council and still do to this day.  My husband and I established family council early in our marriage and still do though our children have left the nest. We have now been reduced, primarily, to a council of two, though our children like to give their input as they see fit on occasion.  Of course, those types of family councils are not formally called but are considered.

                As I read Elder Craven’s words, I realized that not all the family councils I have participated in have been councils of harmony. I believe that they could have been and will be when the following is considered: “I have noticed that each of the Brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view as he is with listening to the point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the Council meetings” (quoted in Ballard, M.R., 1997 Counseling with Our Counsels, p. 47). The disharmonized councils I have participated in have been rife with those who demanded to be heard rather than to listen with love and concern.

                What can be done to help bring harmony to a council meeting? I believe following the pattern that Elder Craven mentions will help. There is preparation for the council meeting – an agenda is given the evening before so that each member has the opportunity to read, ponder, and consider the items to be presented. As the meeting commences, they express love and concern for each other then have a prayer to invite the Spirit to be in attendance.  The President of Twelve then addresses each item on the agenda. One is appointed to present the item and then it is opened for discussion. I believe because of the preparation, the love expressed, and the desire to have the Spirit, the Brethren are then able to discuss and listen to the points of view of others. They are humble enough to recognize they may have a change of opinion. Once the President feels there is unity of thought, he makes a recommendation then asks for any further discussion. A vote is requested and taken. The vote must be unanimous.

                There are so many parts of this pattern that will facilitate the unanimous vote. Each are important in their own right and together will create the harmony that is necessary for the Church (and our families) to have peace in making decisions.

Sexual Intimacy

Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

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I wish I would have had  guidance about sexual intimacy growing up. My parents were (are) affectionate in public, but the only guidance I had on sexual intimacy from them was the night before I got married, “Do you have any questions?” I don’t think that prepared me for my wedding night.

The only instruction I had received from my church classes growing up was “Don’t do it!” Well, how are children suppose to get here if we don’t “do it?”  I’m sure like most of my peers, I sought information about sexual intimacy from other sources. Some were not the most best of sources and left me feeling that sex could not be about "that".  One was a family class I took at Oregon State University. One “memorable” lecture was a speaker playing with a condom the entire session. Ugh!

So how should sexual intimacy be addressed to the youth of the Church or the youth anywhere?

First, sexual intimacy should wait until marriage. This includes modesty of dress and manners. This includes dating standards. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, For the Strength of Youth states, “You should not date until you are at least 16 years old. When you begin dating, go with one or more additional couples. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, For the Strength of Youth, 2011, pp. 4).

Second, as taught by President Hugh B. Brown, sexual intimacy is not something to be ashamed of,

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“President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” (Hugh B. Brown, You and Your Marriage, 1960, pp. 73, 76.)

Third, where does one get this information that will elevate rather than tear down the sanctity of sexual intimacy?  Hopefully parents would be the first source of this type of intimate information, but I can tell you have failed my children as my parents failed me. Perhaps, the youth don’t even know what questions to ask.  Sean Brotherson lists some excellent questions to begin with:

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“How is your body designed to respond to sexual arousal? How do men and women differ in how they express their desires sexually? What is the best way to approach your companion if you are interested in intimacy? Is satisfaction reached the same way for both men and women? How often should a couple be together? What is appropriate or not appropriate in terms of sexual expression?” (Sean Brotherson, Meridian Magazine, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”, 2003, www.meridianmagazine.com). 

He also lists in this article several books he recommends.  I have not read these books, but they are definitely on my reading list now.  I don’t want to leave my unmarried children as clueless as I was (and may still be). I also want to help the youth that I come in contact with have a healthy and wondrous insight into sexual intimacy.

Obviously, there is more to be said on sexual intimacy, but the conversation needs to start. These are good steps to begin the conversation with our youth. Help them understand that marriage is important and that sexual intimacy is part of that. Yes, sex is natural, but it should be treated with reverence, not the hush-hush that happened to me nor the lewdness of the world. 

Gridlock

This will NOT contain the specifics of a confessional – to protect the innocent. 

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I have experienced gridlock in my marriage.  According to Gottman, gridlock is having the same argument over and over without getting to a resolution because neither of you can address the issue with understanding or repairs thus the issue escalates and polarizes and the compromise seems impossible because neither wants to give up something important to them (Gottman, J.M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p.237).

                My husband and I are in the middle of a gridlock. Until I read this chapter, I did not think it would be possible to overcome it. Now, I’m cautiously optimistic that we can. Gottman outlines four steps to overcome gridlock (Gottman, J.M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p.250-259).

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I must realize that this will not solve the problem, but it can bring understanding and hopefully compromise to our gridlock issue over a matter of time.

                The first step to overcoming gridlock is Explore the Dream(s). The dream is the cause of the gridlock and has its own steps to master. Perhaps, you dream of having family dinners and your spouse can’t stand family dinners. (Remember keep them as “I” statements – no attacking your partner.) Identify this dream and write it down. Then write down the story behind this dream. You have fond memories of family dinners and your spouse remembers family dinners as the fight that never stopped. After you’ve taken the time to identify and record the dream, you each take fifteen minutes to talk about the dream and the other listens – NO INTERRUPTIONS! Try not to pass judgment. Next you honor your spouse’s dream – express understanding and a desire to learn about the dream, and/or actively enable the dream, and/or be part of your spouse’s dream.

                The second step to overcoming gridlock is Soothe your spouse. This means to soothe the flooding that might occur during the talking part. Perhaps remembering about those fighting matches that poised as family dinners get your spouse riled up. Take time to calm down before proceeding. Neither one of you want to be anxious (or have any other negative emotion) as you search for a resolution.

                The third step to overcoming gridlock is Reach a Temporary Compromise. This is the time to find common ground. What part of the dream do you have in common? Family is important to both of you. This is the time to determine what is non-negotiable (not EVERY WEEK) and where you might be flexible (would once a month work?). 

                I think the last step is my favorite to overcoming gridlock – say “thank you.” Express appreciation to your spouse for taking the time to talk with you and begin working on a resolution. I have personally seen this work miracles in my life. (I think this could be used during all the other steps of overcoming gridlock – “Thank you for sharing your story. I didn’t know. It helps me understand better.” “Thank you for taking time to help me calm down while we were talking about this.” “Thank you for understanding my values/insights/point-of-view.”)

                I am guilty of crushing some of my husband’s dreams. It wasn’t intentional. But, I know

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I’ve done some damage that needs repair. (That’s not the gridlock.) I’m hoping he’ll let me do a do-over with his dreams. At least, allow me to listen and support him however I can.

And with our gridlock, I’ll report back whether these steps worked for us or not.

Scorekeeping

Brother Goddard states “The problem with equity is in the inevitable scorekeeping that accompanies efforts towards it” (Goddard H.W., Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, pg.  107). Ouch!  Keeping score leads to all sorts of problems – and I believe most of them are negative.

For instance, if a couple keeps score of who is doing the most housework, someone is going to lose. Think about a sports game. The score at the end of the game means someone lost. The purpose of keeping score is to see who is better. In a marriage, I don’t think there can be a winner or a loser. Both members of the couple end up being losers. Both will end up feeling hurt, as one will resent that he/she did more work and the other will bear the brunt of the accusations (or the scorekeeping).

So, if you want an equitable marriage how do you achieve it without scorekeeping?  This is one of the brilliant principles of The Family: A Proclamation to the World (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. [1995 September]. Retrieved from www.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.): “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” The Proclamation outlines each partner’s individual primary responsibility. For instance, my husband makes WAY more money than I do. That is his responsibility by “divine design.” For most of our married life, I have been primarily responsible for the nurturing of our children. I have helped with the family finances throughout our marriage. He has helped with the nurturing of our children. I don’t draw up a balance sheet with his salary and match it up against what my nurturing services might cost our family (nor does he). 

Does this mean that I don’t keep score? Hardly. Remember last week when I spoke about the mote and beam parable? That’s how I keep score though I am trying to stop. (Yoda: “Do or do not. There is no try.” Yeah, yeah, yeah.) Honestly, though, I realized I wasn’t happy when I was keeping score. I am making an effort to turn my judging around and turn it back on myself. What is causing me to judge (or keep score) with my husband? Is there something I’m lacking and it’s “easier” to pick on him rather than “fix” me? Once again, he’s not perfect but he’s not horrible either. The only way I can make this marriage better is by making a better me.

I want us both to be winners in our marriage. That is the Savior’s way. There is no way we could “pay” Him back for the blessing of His Atonement. He asks us to be the best we can be – by serving each other. He’s not keeping score. He is helping us to be winners. So instead of nagging my husband about doing the dishes (which I don’t think I ever have – kudos to me), I could ask if he would help me do the dishes or realize he might have had a difficult day at work and just do them. Either way, we both win! (Actually, if you’re keeping score, I think I would be the winner – as long as I have a great attitude about doing the dishes – I will be happy in my service and my husband will be the blob on the couch. Just kidding!)

Mote and Beam

                I can 100% relate to the mote and beam parable. I am REALLY good at finding the mote in someone else’s eye while there is a HUGE beam in my own. I don’t consciously look for others’ faults, I can just find them. It’s an amazing talent. But what about my own faults?

                Over the course of my marriage, I have been able to point out my husband’s faults with accuracy. It never fails. He is always wrong and I am always right. He is the bad guy and I am the good.  (If you believe that then I have some great land in the middle of the Okeefeenokee I can sell you.)

                Let me display a bit of humility (with all sincerity). Elder Joe J. Christensen related a story which he called the Grapefruit Syndrome.

                “As a newlywed, Sister Lola Walters read in a magazine that in order to strengthen a marriage a couple should have regular, candid sharing sessions in which they would list any mannerisms they found annoying. She wrote: ‘We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off…I told him I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. 

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He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew age grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange! After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me…He said, ‘Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’ Gasp. I quickly turned my back because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face…’” (Joe J. Christensen quoted in Goddard H.W.,  Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, p.76-77).

                I had heard this story prior to our marriage. It has helped me some from cataloging my husband’s faults, but not always. As I have progressed through this class, I hopefully have gained a bit of humility and realized that all those catalogued faults need to be uncatalogued. One of the exercises that Dr. Gottman recommends is to write down 5 days a week for 7 weeks a guided positive memory about your spouse. I will admit some of these have been difficult for me to do. It has caused me though to reflect on the good my husband has done (and tried to do) which I may have ignored or belittled. I’m ashamed to say that I have not always given my husband his due. Somehow, throughout the years, my husband has managed to remain more positive and not strike back at me.

                This may sound like I’m taking the blame for all the bad in our marriage. I’m not. I’m taking responsibility for what I can change to make our marriage better. In the few short weeks, I have been taking this class, I have been able to see improvements in our marriage – just by what I have been able to change in myself.

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When we look through the glass of change (repentance), the world seems brighter.