Crossroads

My husband and I are at a crossroads. 

(Does your crossroads look like this?)

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 We stared down the crossroad fully this week. There have been many events that have led to this crossroads, but this week was the culmination. We put our youngest child on an airplane

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to begin her 18-month mission for the Lord. We are now officially “empty-nesters.” The week before our oldest daughter left the nest. Last September our middle daughter left the nest. Our son and his wife had moved to the western United States about two years ago. In December, my husband’s employment was terminated. We are now sitting in a very big house in the suburbs of Atlanta, without children, without outside employment (I work from home and attend online classes) having to be together. What are we going to do?

I encouraged my children to develop a separate relationship with their dad. They have “things” they do with dad of which I’m not part of it. (I home schooled them their entire lives – that was “our thing”.) Last Saturday, our youngest and her dad went caving. I DON’T do caving! But, as I realized that soon, I would have to “fill in” for my children, I did sit through two Harry Potter movies with them (that’s more a kid thing than a dad thing – I DON’T do Harry Potter either). We did go for a walk with our youngest, not really a hike, but at least we were outside together. We all like Chinese food so we had that one last time together. We crammed a lot into Saturday before she left. I don’t really know if it was a “test” or it was natural. He has gone camping, built Lego, done sports, and has an ongoing pun contest with them.

Now, I need to fill in for my children. This will mean sitting through fandom movies (hey, I made it through Lego Movie 2 – we’ll try Captain Marvel and whatever the next Avenger movie is). I will do hiking (though I doubt I’ll ever get – willingly, at least – into the bowels of the earth) and if that hiking includes camping, I have a sleeping bag and tent. We all ready grocery shop together quite a bit. I’ve tried to actively listen as he has talked about the jobs he has applied for. (I have worked in the same industry as my husband and can follow a sterility assurance plan from almost start to finish.) If he takes up running again (well, none of the children really got into that), I may give it a shot. And I will appropriately groan through the puns (though I’m not sure if I know how to be the “straight man” in the pun world).

With him being home, he has tried to help “around the house”. I’m not very good at letting him. I do appreciate it though when he does the dishes, even though I feel a little bit guilty that he did them and I didn’t. I did offer to help with the yard work but he turned me down (thankfully). I love paper engineering and even though he doesn’t “get it”, he does try to buy me pop up cards and books (that was one of the Lego sets – it is so cool!).

These are the little things that help us turn towards each other, to strengthen our relationship. We may neither really like to do the "little thing" but as Alma, a prophet quoted in The Book of Mormon, "Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise" (Alma 37:6).

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As we left the airport that day, we walked out hand in hand. We will be taking the next road together.

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POSTSCRIPT: One of my classmates who reviewed this post noted that I could be more optimistic. He is right. I’ve reread this post and don’t know how to change it. Please know that I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing or being a hypocrite in making changes. I want to make these changes. I'm actually excited about the possibilities. I want to feel closer to my husband. This is what I want. I’m not being forced to change. What should be noted is that I used my children to keep me from doing certain things with my husband. It was easier. I thought I was letting them build that relationship with their dad and they did. But I probably should have participated more. And it will take little steps with full purpose of heart.

Inspiration in Marriage

All my life, I’ve been taught that marriage is sacred. Marriage begins in the temple of the Lord to sealed for eternity. Yet, how does one live with one person for eternity? Sure, one can DO what we are counseled to do but does that really help us understand the inbetween of a telestial relationship to the heights of a celestial relationship?

My husband and I began our marriage in the Portland temple,

www.lds.org

sealed for time and all eternity. We attend church weekly. We have had four wonderful children together. We have date night almost weekly. We attend the temple. We pay our tithing. We have family prayer and family scripture reading and family home evening. We serve in the Church. We DO all that we have been instructed to do within the Church to have an eternal marriage. But, I don’t feel like it’s enough. We have a certain disconnect – it’s not bad, but it’s not good either. I wonder where we have gone wrong.

Enter FAML300 – Marriage (and a host of books and articles on marriage). As I mentioned last week, I’ve read a lot. Some suggestions have worked and some haven’t. Why? I don’t really know. My husband and I are two very different people and what may sound great to me might not sound great to him. I think though as Brother Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, states “Applying these principles to marriage requires inspiration.”

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I have felt inspired in some of the choices I have made in improving my marriage, but I don’t think I purposely sought inspiration. As I go through the course this semester, I will seek inspiration from the suggestions received from the material presented. Thus, not EVERY suggestion will work for us. I need to prayerfully consider each suggestion – as instructed in Doctrine & Covenants 9:7-9 – I need to ponder, make a decision, then pray to know if it is right. My marriage is as important to me as it is to the Lord and He will guide my path.

Stay tuned over the next few weeks to learn more about the many suggestions I will be given in this class. I will report on how they work out for us. As I mentioned last week, I’m optimistic that each author has much to offer in my marriage improvement repertoire.

Stonewalling - No response

One of the reasons I took FAML300 – Marriage is to improve my own marriage and hopefully mentor my own children in their marriages. I have read several books and lots of Ensign articles on marriage. For some reason though, improving my marriage has alluded me. (Caveat: I don’t usually “confess sins” in public as that is what a bishop or priest is for but in these posts, I will “confess sins” as they relate to my growth in my marriage.) This week I began reading The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. for class. Something in this book “clicked” with me. I can actually “see” where I have done things to damage my marriage relationship. I can also “see” where I have done things right in my marriage relationship.

My husband is a good and righteous man. He’s not perfect. He is good to the core. He isn’t malicious (unless he is behind the wheel of a car for some reason). He is punny (NOT funny). I don’t think he knows how to raise his voice (unless someone is making a bad shot in basketball or on the golf green). He does have mannerisms that irritate me (hmmm, who’s fault might that be?). Just because he does things that irritate me does not give me license to be mean and I have been.

In Gottman’s book, he addresses, what he calls The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, an 1887 painting by Viktor Vasnetsov.

I happen to be familiar with all of these horsemen. Some I have used maliciously, but some I have used out of habit – a learned response, a defense mechanism. Thus, it wasn’t intentional just reflex. (Upon present reflection, I’m not sure where this learned response/reflex came from – but something to consider.) Reflex isn’t a good reason nor is learned response, but they are reasons and can be overcome with practice of better habits. My husband mostly uses stonewalling and after reading this far into the book, I understand why. Stonewalling is when a partner just doesn’t respond to the other – no voice, no body language (aka eye-rolling, folded arms) - nothing.

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It is more commonly used by men than women. It is a defense mechanism because my husband needs time to process what I’m throwing at him. The stonewalling really does irritate me. I want a response and I want it now. Since, I have only learned about stonewalling, I haven’t had much practice backing off and letting him process, but I have complete faith that it will help our relationship. (If I can learn my part of patience….) I need to work on eliminating all of these negative horsemen from our relationship, but I can begin with the stonewalling and what causes it.

                Why do I care to improve my marriage? I don’t want either one of us miserable for eternity. We are in this for eternity and I do love my husband. The only person I can change in this relationship is myself. I truly believe that if I improve my responses, then my husband will have opportunities to improve his. I want to be his best friend and I want him to be mine. That takes some work. I’m putting my shoulder to the wheel…       

                Why would you want to improve your marriage?

Marriage – an eternal perspective

I was fortunate enough to begin my marriage in the right place, the temple of the Lord. In the temple, we made sacred covenants with our spouse and with God. Elder David A. Bednar likens this covenant to a triangle (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan," Ensign, June 2006). Each spouse is a leg of the triangle and the Lord is the apex. As each spouse becomes closer to the Lord they will naturally be brought closer to each other.

Sometimes, my triangle leg is closer to the Lord and sometimes my husband’s is. We are both working to become closer to HIM.

What about those marriages which fall apart even if they begin in the temple? Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his address “Covenant Marriage” outlines three wolves of marriage: natural adversity, imperfections, and excessive individualism. (Ensign, November 1996)  I’d like to share how one couple has overcome the wolf of natural adversity.  My son and daughter-in-law prepared last year to have a baby boy. Midterm, they were informed that this baby would be born with heart problems. We prayed and fasted for this little boy. Little Matthew (Logan “Because Wolverine was not appropriate”) returned to his Heavenly Father’s presence 6 hours after he was born. During those 6 hours, I observed some of the most beautiful and loving consideration of another human being I have ever witnessed.

Though my daughter-in-law had just had major surgery and was holding her dying little boy, she reached out to my son and loved him. And though my son was mourning over the loss of dreams with his little boy, he reached to his wife and loved her. A while later, someone suggested that since they didn’t have a child that they should get divorced. They are still married, buoying each other up, as they come to terms with the loss of their mortal dreams with their son. They are steadfast on the path of eternal marriage. They are looking this wolf in the eye and choosing to honor the covenant they have made to God and each other.

There is more to marriage than getting married in the right place. One must continue working at the marriage and be aware when these wolves are trying to sneak in. One must continue to become closer to the Lord and be aware of one’s spouse’s journey as well. These two pieces to the marriage puzzle will definitely help keep the marriage whole.