Gridlock

This will NOT contain the specifics of a confessional – to protect the innocent. 

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I have experienced gridlock in my marriage.  According to Gottman, gridlock is having the same argument over and over without getting to a resolution because neither of you can address the issue with understanding or repairs thus the issue escalates and polarizes and the compromise seems impossible because neither wants to give up something important to them (Gottman, J.M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p.237).

                My husband and I are in the middle of a gridlock. Until I read this chapter, I did not think it would be possible to overcome it. Now, I’m cautiously optimistic that we can. Gottman outlines four steps to overcome gridlock (Gottman, J.M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p.250-259).

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I must realize that this will not solve the problem, but it can bring understanding and hopefully compromise to our gridlock issue over a matter of time.

                The first step to overcoming gridlock is Explore the Dream(s). The dream is the cause of the gridlock and has its own steps to master. Perhaps, you dream of having family dinners and your spouse can’t stand family dinners. (Remember keep them as “I” statements – no attacking your partner.) Identify this dream and write it down. Then write down the story behind this dream. You have fond memories of family dinners and your spouse remembers family dinners as the fight that never stopped. After you’ve taken the time to identify and record the dream, you each take fifteen minutes to talk about the dream and the other listens – NO INTERRUPTIONS! Try not to pass judgment. Next you honor your spouse’s dream – express understanding and a desire to learn about the dream, and/or actively enable the dream, and/or be part of your spouse’s dream.

                The second step to overcoming gridlock is Soothe your spouse. This means to soothe the flooding that might occur during the talking part. Perhaps remembering about those fighting matches that poised as family dinners get your spouse riled up. Take time to calm down before proceeding. Neither one of you want to be anxious (or have any other negative emotion) as you search for a resolution.

                The third step to overcoming gridlock is Reach a Temporary Compromise. This is the time to find common ground. What part of the dream do you have in common? Family is important to both of you. This is the time to determine what is non-negotiable (not EVERY WEEK) and where you might be flexible (would once a month work?). 

                I think the last step is my favorite to overcoming gridlock – say “thank you.” Express appreciation to your spouse for taking the time to talk with you and begin working on a resolution. I have personally seen this work miracles in my life. (I think this could be used during all the other steps of overcoming gridlock – “Thank you for sharing your story. I didn’t know. It helps me understand better.” “Thank you for taking time to help me calm down while we were talking about this.” “Thank you for understanding my values/insights/point-of-view.”)

                I am guilty of crushing some of my husband’s dreams. It wasn’t intentional. But, I know

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I’ve done some damage that needs repair. (That’s not the gridlock.) I’m hoping he’ll let me do a do-over with his dreams. At least, allow me to listen and support him however I can.

And with our gridlock, I’ll report back whether these steps worked for us or not.

Scorekeeping

Brother Goddard states “The problem with equity is in the inevitable scorekeeping that accompanies efforts towards it” (Goddard H.W., Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, pg.  107). Ouch!  Keeping score leads to all sorts of problems – and I believe most of them are negative.

For instance, if a couple keeps score of who is doing the most housework, someone is going to lose. Think about a sports game. The score at the end of the game means someone lost. The purpose of keeping score is to see who is better. In a marriage, I don’t think there can be a winner or a loser. Both members of the couple end up being losers. Both will end up feeling hurt, as one will resent that he/she did more work and the other will bear the brunt of the accusations (or the scorekeeping).

So, if you want an equitable marriage how do you achieve it without scorekeeping?  This is one of the brilliant principles of The Family: A Proclamation to the World (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. [1995 September]. Retrieved from www.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.): “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” The Proclamation outlines each partner’s individual primary responsibility. For instance, my husband makes WAY more money than I do. That is his responsibility by “divine design.” For most of our married life, I have been primarily responsible for the nurturing of our children. I have helped with the family finances throughout our marriage. He has helped with the nurturing of our children. I don’t draw up a balance sheet with his salary and match it up against what my nurturing services might cost our family (nor does he). 

Does this mean that I don’t keep score? Hardly. Remember last week when I spoke about the mote and beam parable? That’s how I keep score though I am trying to stop. (Yoda: “Do or do not. There is no try.” Yeah, yeah, yeah.) Honestly, though, I realized I wasn’t happy when I was keeping score. I am making an effort to turn my judging around and turn it back on myself. What is causing me to judge (or keep score) with my husband? Is there something I’m lacking and it’s “easier” to pick on him rather than “fix” me? Once again, he’s not perfect but he’s not horrible either. The only way I can make this marriage better is by making a better me.

I want us both to be winners in our marriage. That is the Savior’s way. There is no way we could “pay” Him back for the blessing of His Atonement. He asks us to be the best we can be – by serving each other. He’s not keeping score. He is helping us to be winners. So instead of nagging my husband about doing the dishes (which I don’t think I ever have – kudos to me), I could ask if he would help me do the dishes or realize he might have had a difficult day at work and just do them. Either way, we both win! (Actually, if you’re keeping score, I think I would be the winner – as long as I have a great attitude about doing the dishes – I will be happy in my service and my husband will be the blob on the couch. Just kidding!)

Mote and Beam

                I can 100% relate to the mote and beam parable. I am REALLY good at finding the mote in someone else’s eye while there is a HUGE beam in my own. I don’t consciously look for others’ faults, I can just find them. It’s an amazing talent. But what about my own faults?

                Over the course of my marriage, I have been able to point out my husband’s faults with accuracy. It never fails. He is always wrong and I am always right. He is the bad guy and I am the good.  (If you believe that then I have some great land in the middle of the Okeefeenokee I can sell you.)

                Let me display a bit of humility (with all sincerity). Elder Joe J. Christensen related a story which he called the Grapefruit Syndrome.

                “As a newlywed, Sister Lola Walters read in a magazine that in order to strengthen a marriage a couple should have regular, candid sharing sessions in which they would list any mannerisms they found annoying. She wrote: ‘We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off…I told him I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. 

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He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew age grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange! After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me…He said, ‘Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’ Gasp. I quickly turned my back because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face…’” (Joe J. Christensen quoted in Goddard H.W.,  Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, p.76-77).

                I had heard this story prior to our marriage. It has helped me some from cataloging my husband’s faults, but not always. As I have progressed through this class, I hopefully have gained a bit of humility and realized that all those catalogued faults need to be uncatalogued. One of the exercises that Dr. Gottman recommends is to write down 5 days a week for 7 weeks a guided positive memory about your spouse. I will admit some of these have been difficult for me to do. It has caused me though to reflect on the good my husband has done (and tried to do) which I may have ignored or belittled. I’m ashamed to say that I have not always given my husband his due. Somehow, throughout the years, my husband has managed to remain more positive and not strike back at me.

                This may sound like I’m taking the blame for all the bad in our marriage. I’m not. I’m taking responsibility for what I can change to make our marriage better. In the few short weeks, I have been taking this class, I have been able to see improvements in our marriage – just by what I have been able to change in myself.

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When we look through the glass of change (repentance), the world seems brighter.

Crossroads

My husband and I are at a crossroads. 

(Does your crossroads look like this?)

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 We stared down the crossroad fully this week. There have been many events that have led to this crossroads, but this week was the culmination. We put our youngest child on an airplane

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to begin her 18-month mission for the Lord. We are now officially “empty-nesters.” The week before our oldest daughter left the nest. Last September our middle daughter left the nest. Our son and his wife had moved to the western United States about two years ago. In December, my husband’s employment was terminated. We are now sitting in a very big house in the suburbs of Atlanta, without children, without outside employment (I work from home and attend online classes) having to be together. What are we going to do?

I encouraged my children to develop a separate relationship with their dad. They have “things” they do with dad of which I’m not part of it. (I home schooled them their entire lives – that was “our thing”.) Last Saturday, our youngest and her dad went caving. I DON’T do caving! But, as I realized that soon, I would have to “fill in” for my children, I did sit through two Harry Potter movies with them (that’s more a kid thing than a dad thing – I DON’T do Harry Potter either). We did go for a walk with our youngest, not really a hike, but at least we were outside together. We all like Chinese food so we had that one last time together. We crammed a lot into Saturday before she left. I don’t really know if it was a “test” or it was natural. He has gone camping, built Lego, done sports, and has an ongoing pun contest with them.

Now, I need to fill in for my children. This will mean sitting through fandom movies (hey, I made it through Lego Movie 2 – we’ll try Captain Marvel and whatever the next Avenger movie is). I will do hiking (though I doubt I’ll ever get – willingly, at least – into the bowels of the earth) and if that hiking includes camping, I have a sleeping bag and tent. We all ready grocery shop together quite a bit. I’ve tried to actively listen as he has talked about the jobs he has applied for. (I have worked in the same industry as my husband and can follow a sterility assurance plan from almost start to finish.) If he takes up running again (well, none of the children really got into that), I may give it a shot. And I will appropriately groan through the puns (though I’m not sure if I know how to be the “straight man” in the pun world).

With him being home, he has tried to help “around the house”. I’m not very good at letting him. I do appreciate it though when he does the dishes, even though I feel a little bit guilty that he did them and I didn’t. I did offer to help with the yard work but he turned me down (thankfully). I love paper engineering and even though he doesn’t “get it”, he does try to buy me pop up cards and books (that was one of the Lego sets – it is so cool!).

These are the little things that help us turn towards each other, to strengthen our relationship. We may neither really like to do the "little thing" but as Alma, a prophet quoted in The Book of Mormon, "Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise" (Alma 37:6).

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As we left the airport that day, we walked out hand in hand. We will be taking the next road together.

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POSTSCRIPT: One of my classmates who reviewed this post noted that I could be more optimistic. He is right. I’ve reread this post and don’t know how to change it. Please know that I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing or being a hypocrite in making changes. I want to make these changes. I'm actually excited about the possibilities. I want to feel closer to my husband. This is what I want. I’m not being forced to change. What should be noted is that I used my children to keep me from doing certain things with my husband. It was easier. I thought I was letting them build that relationship with their dad and they did. But I probably should have participated more. And it will take little steps with full purpose of heart.

Inspiration in Marriage

All my life, I’ve been taught that marriage is sacred. Marriage begins in the temple of the Lord to sealed for eternity. Yet, how does one live with one person for eternity? Sure, one can DO what we are counseled to do but does that really help us understand the inbetween of a telestial relationship to the heights of a celestial relationship?

My husband and I began our marriage in the Portland temple,

www.lds.org

sealed for time and all eternity. We attend church weekly. We have had four wonderful children together. We have date night almost weekly. We attend the temple. We pay our tithing. We have family prayer and family scripture reading and family home evening. We serve in the Church. We DO all that we have been instructed to do within the Church to have an eternal marriage. But, I don’t feel like it’s enough. We have a certain disconnect – it’s not bad, but it’s not good either. I wonder where we have gone wrong.

Enter FAML300 – Marriage (and a host of books and articles on marriage). As I mentioned last week, I’ve read a lot. Some suggestions have worked and some haven’t. Why? I don’t really know. My husband and I are two very different people and what may sound great to me might not sound great to him. I think though as Brother Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, states “Applying these principles to marriage requires inspiration.”

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I have felt inspired in some of the choices I have made in improving my marriage, but I don’t think I purposely sought inspiration. As I go through the course this semester, I will seek inspiration from the suggestions received from the material presented. Thus, not EVERY suggestion will work for us. I need to prayerfully consider each suggestion – as instructed in Doctrine & Covenants 9:7-9 – I need to ponder, make a decision, then pray to know if it is right. My marriage is as important to me as it is to the Lord and He will guide my path.

Stay tuned over the next few weeks to learn more about the many suggestions I will be given in this class. I will report on how they work out for us. As I mentioned last week, I’m optimistic that each author has much to offer in my marriage improvement repertoire.

Stonewalling - No response

One of the reasons I took FAML300 – Marriage is to improve my own marriage and hopefully mentor my own children in their marriages. I have read several books and lots of Ensign articles on marriage. For some reason though, improving my marriage has alluded me. (Caveat: I don’t usually “confess sins” in public as that is what a bishop or priest is for but in these posts, I will “confess sins” as they relate to my growth in my marriage.) This week I began reading The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. for class. Something in this book “clicked” with me. I can actually “see” where I have done things to damage my marriage relationship. I can also “see” where I have done things right in my marriage relationship.

My husband is a good and righteous man. He’s not perfect. He is good to the core. He isn’t malicious (unless he is behind the wheel of a car for some reason). He is punny (NOT funny). I don’t think he knows how to raise his voice (unless someone is making a bad shot in basketball or on the golf green). He does have mannerisms that irritate me (hmmm, who’s fault might that be?). Just because he does things that irritate me does not give me license to be mean and I have been.

In Gottman’s book, he addresses, what he calls The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, an 1887 painting by Viktor Vasnetsov.

I happen to be familiar with all of these horsemen. Some I have used maliciously, but some I have used out of habit – a learned response, a defense mechanism. Thus, it wasn’t intentional just reflex. (Upon present reflection, I’m not sure where this learned response/reflex came from – but something to consider.) Reflex isn’t a good reason nor is learned response, but they are reasons and can be overcome with practice of better habits. My husband mostly uses stonewalling and after reading this far into the book, I understand why. Stonewalling is when a partner just doesn’t respond to the other – no voice, no body language (aka eye-rolling, folded arms) - nothing.

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It is more commonly used by men than women. It is a defense mechanism because my husband needs time to process what I’m throwing at him. The stonewalling really does irritate me. I want a response and I want it now. Since, I have only learned about stonewalling, I haven’t had much practice backing off and letting him process, but I have complete faith that it will help our relationship. (If I can learn my part of patience….) I need to work on eliminating all of these negative horsemen from our relationship, but I can begin with the stonewalling and what causes it.

                Why do I care to improve my marriage? I don’t want either one of us miserable for eternity. We are in this for eternity and I do love my husband. The only person I can change in this relationship is myself. I truly believe that if I improve my responses, then my husband will have opportunities to improve his. I want to be his best friend and I want him to be mine. That takes some work. I’m putting my shoulder to the wheel…       

                Why would you want to improve your marriage?

Marriage – an eternal perspective

I was fortunate enough to begin my marriage in the right place, the temple of the Lord. In the temple, we made sacred covenants with our spouse and with God. Elder David A. Bednar likens this covenant to a triangle (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan," Ensign, June 2006). Each spouse is a leg of the triangle and the Lord is the apex. As each spouse becomes closer to the Lord they will naturally be brought closer to each other.

Sometimes, my triangle leg is closer to the Lord and sometimes my husband’s is. We are both working to become closer to HIM.

What about those marriages which fall apart even if they begin in the temple? Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his address “Covenant Marriage” outlines three wolves of marriage: natural adversity, imperfections, and excessive individualism. (Ensign, November 1996)  I’d like to share how one couple has overcome the wolf of natural adversity.  My son and daughter-in-law prepared last year to have a baby boy. Midterm, they were informed that this baby would be born with heart problems. We prayed and fasted for this little boy. Little Matthew (Logan “Because Wolverine was not appropriate”) returned to his Heavenly Father’s presence 6 hours after he was born. During those 6 hours, I observed some of the most beautiful and loving consideration of another human being I have ever witnessed.

Though my daughter-in-law had just had major surgery and was holding her dying little boy, she reached out to my son and loved him. And though my son was mourning over the loss of dreams with his little boy, he reached to his wife and loved her. A while later, someone suggested that since they didn’t have a child that they should get divorced. They are still married, buoying each other up, as they come to terms with the loss of their mortal dreams with their son. They are steadfast on the path of eternal marriage. They are looking this wolf in the eye and choosing to honor the covenant they have made to God and each other.

There is more to marriage than getting married in the right place. One must continue working at the marriage and be aware when these wolves are trying to sneak in. One must continue to become closer to the Lord and be aware of one’s spouse’s journey as well. These two pieces to the marriage puzzle will definitely help keep the marriage whole.